Like many black women, Being Mary Jane chronicled my life and was a reflection of the truth that most of us don’t want to deal with. We stay in relationships we shouldn’t, we become career focused, we take care of our families, to our own detriment, sacrificing our happiness for the people we love most. But well before Pauletta Patterson and her sticky notes came along, 14 year old me wrote notes of affirmation and scriptures on her bedroom door and 4 year old me wrote words on the walls of the hallway in our family home. I began affirming myself back then because I needed to pour into myself and make sense of the things in my life that were bothering me; I needed to see the silver lining and hoped they would become self-fulfilling prophecies. And the truth is, those words manifested in my life and were so powerful I believe they got me through my roughest times. Once I left for college, I stopped my affirmations and entered into one of the darkest periods of uncertainty and alienation. It was the start of dealing with imposter syndrome and that continued for years to come.
As long as I can remember, I’ve felt a sense of loneliness even though I was surrounded with love. My smile may be radiant now but as a child, I never smiled. My mother used to wonder, “Why is my baby always sad?” Over the years, I found my smile along with the buckteeth that accompanied it and wore it with pride. It is one of my greatest assets I inherited from my mother. When I felt my smile begin to fade and was overtaken with feelings of melancholy, grief, or anger, my affirmations helped navigate those negative thoughts and feelings.
For the last couple of years, I was only existing. I found myself re-watching episodes on my on-screen manifestation escaping my reality and getting caught up in her dysfunction to ignore my own. And my gosh, sis was hella dysfunctional on her way to 40. I’m facing 30 and there were certain things I vowed I would not carry with me into this next chapter because one, I needed to be the best version of myself for myself and two, I knew I deserved more than I was receiving and three, I refused to be like MJ’s crazy ass. I needed to deal with my shit. “Sometimes you’ll learn how to wear your crown by watching how your mother doesn’t always wear hers.”- Just Mike the Poet, “Dear Woman.” In my case it was my mother, my grandmother, my friends, and MJ. We all learn from each other.
What were the things I refused to carry? I stayed in a toxic relationship that broke me, made me insecure, and was not worthy of my time, love, or forgiveness. I was grieving the loss of a loved one that I never moved past. I was angry with my parents for not being who I expected them to be. Though I figured this thing called life out, well up until now, I was frustrated that I had to learn to navigate this world on my own without useful guides. I was pouring into others and their dreams but afraid to chase my own. I chose to choose myself for the first time in a very long time and in order to believe I could be my very best version, I needed to empower myself in the ways that had proven powerful before. That led to forgiveness and healing unlike anything I had experienced before and self-recognition that I am worthy and I deserve everything that God has given me.
A friend of mine, LoveChaz, posts daily affirmations on her IG and she played a large part in helping me get back to me. Her daily affirmations reminded me how important it was for me to be true to myself and reminded me that there was no time like the present to work toward my goals.
According to Psychology Today, “Affirmations are used to reprogram the subconscious mind, to encourage us to believe certain things about ourselves or about the world and our place within it. They are also used to help us create the reality we want.” I needed to affirm myself because I was unable to see the path back to me and struggled to figure out who I had become. So, I did the Mary Jane thing and the Christina thing; I wrote post-it notes and used a red, Expo marker to write on the mirrors to my closet words of encouragement to stare at every morning when I got ready for work and before I went to bed at night. They brought me out of my darkness and comforted me when I felt alone. It was the first step I took toward finding my happiness; well that, and finding a therapist on therapyforblackgirls.com.
There was a dope ass quote my homegirl (in my head) Demetria Lucas posted that said, “A woman who heals herself, heals her mother, heals her daughter, and heals every woman around her.” I refuse to perpetuate f%$ked up cycles because I was too afraid to deal with my issues and end up like Mary Jane at 40. Readjust your crown and move accordingly. Never be afraid to choose and heal yourself, which, in turn, will help you heal those around you.
With Love,
Stina