Man, y’all. I’m not gonna say that life has been kicking my a$$ because I have so much to be thankful for. To be honest, 29 has been my best year yet. It was the year of ‘No’, choosing me, taking leaps and bounds, cutting people off, allowing relationships to flow organically, learning to love again, learning to stop over-analyzing and overthinking, and self-healing (long ass list lol) and it has paid off. Everything I put out in the universe, I accomplished. But it has been so overwhelming, and I’ve been in such disbelief that I have been struggling accepting everything that I have been given and worked for and towards. So, I’ll say Imposter Syndrome has been kicking me a lot lately. I keep feeling like I am going to be found out and I am a fraud because I cannot graciously accept the abundance of blessings I have received. I’ve found myself dimming my light and shying away from opportunities and my gifts because I’m feeling like I am going to fail. I’m psyching myself to believe that when my reality tells me, what I have demonstrated a million times over, that when I say I am going to accomplish something, I do it! So, what is it about now, about this moment, about this dream, that I am afraid to do it and feel as if I don’t execute as well as I want, I will be found for the fraud I believe I think others that I am?

Mix some Imposter Syndrome with a little SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder and you know I been going through it! The Mayo Clinic describes SAD as, “A type of depression that's related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you're like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.” When the weather changes, I change. This week alone, I woke up, went to work, came back home, showered, and got back in bed. I also have a little PTSD during this season too but with a change of environment, it hasn’t been so bad. I find myself unable to enjoy anything. While everyone is expecting me to be excited and happy about everything that I have done, I am the opposite.

Beginning this month, I vowed I would force myself to do a few things. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll actually get out of bed instead of turning over, sit at the counter to prepare for my day while cooking my breakfast. It’s hard when it’s colder out but I’m going to do it, y’all. When I come home, I will immediately go to the gym to avoid going straight to bed. The gym gives me a boost of energy that usually leads to some evening productivity. I admit, I do give myself a week of nothingness during this season and that was this week, but it was so unproductive that I can’t allow this to continue for the rest of the season into winter.

See y’all, this mindset is toxic, and I am in the process of shifting because I am finding myself in a state of dormancy and inactivity. I have put off doing the things because I convinced myself it wouldn’t be good enough and my SAD just added to this feeling and zapped my energy completely. As I am navigating unknown territory, I have been retreating out of fear. This shift is necessary and required. Can anyone else relate? If so, share your tips in the comments!

XOXO,

Stina