Why Now?

When I started college in 2008, almost 11 years ago, I met with my academic advisor about my major. I was Biology, Pre-Med because I knew I wanted to be a physician; however, in that meeting, this large, 6’1” black man with a warm smile, (I point out his race because I was sooo happy to see another black face as a minority. It was the first time I lived with white people ever in life!), asked me a question that I believe changed the trajectory of my life, “What is your passion? What brings you joy and what is it that you love to do?”

For as long as can remember, writing was my passion.  From the time my mama taught me to write my name—I wrote it on everything, all of my belongings, scrap paper, the walls of the house, (which I never got in trouble for—Tee and mama didn’t stifle my creativity even though I probably should have had my ass whooped)—until the time I started to keep notebooks of my writing in middle school.  In high school, my essays earned me A’s, my teachers recommended me for writing competitions, my friends and I collaborated writing poetry and finishing each others’ essays. I was always shy about sharing my innermost thoughts with those outside of my circle.  So when he asked me that question, and I answered, “I love to write,” he suggested I change my major to Journalism and keep Pre-Med.  My dream was to be a freelance writer for Essence Magazine and use a scalpel to mend broken hearts.  I have always had a lot to say, shared my unsolicited, unbiased opinions, and told the brutal truth, which in fact are the pillars of journalism-- veracity and objectivity-- so it seemed like the perfect career for me. But, I never went down that path.

Back in 2008, blogs were emerging—gossip blogs, fashion blogs, lifestyle blogs—-and I was just so caught up in my day-to-day that I never considered starting one...but that’s a lie.  I considered it over and over and over again, but never had the courage to do it. And it is true, life did get in the way, but life didn’t stop me from pursuing other things like volunteer work, pledging my sorority, earning multiple degrees, jobs, internships, traveling.  It’s weird. When you grow up impoverished and you are focused on breaking cycles and climbing the socioeconomic ladder, it’s hard to redirect your focus to something that may take you off course.  At the time, blogs were so new, and it was hard to see promise in starting one, but journalism was dying so it was very plausible. The truth is, I was afraid that no one wanted to hear my opinion. I convinced myself that my style would not be appealing, my commentary on current events had no relevance, and did not believe the historical remnants that shaped my life could change someone else’s.. and 10 years later I realize that people may have cared.  Social media has shaped the world in ways no one would predict and the impact my words may have had, could have reverberated to many unbeknownst to me.

At 26, I realized that everything I set out to do with my life, I had achieved.  That is not to say that those things were easy because they were far from it.  Honestly, I didn’t recall writing those things down when I was 18, until I found the list, and realized I had checked every box. But the two things I planned to do when I started college: being a writer and a physician, weren’t listed.  I never wrote them down because even back then, I was afraid of accomplishing them. See, I heard a sermon recently where the preacher basically said when you pray without a doubt in your heart, you are willing things to happen in your life and God will order your steps when your desires are pure.

The question my academic advisor asked me a decade ago and my answer to his question has always echoed in my core.  After finding this list, I read Purpose Driven Life because I was struggling to decide what was next for me and knew I had no idea what my purpose was.  I was battling depression, finding it hard to get out of bed to go to work, and I had gut-wrenching intuition that I was not walking in my destiny. While I always encourage others to go after their dreams and never let fear captivate them, I allowed it, fear, to smother me. I was at a place in my life where I was drowning, struggling for air and trying to resuscitate myself and I realized, I never prayed or willed either of these things to happen in life because of my self-doubt. I talked to my closest friends who asked me if I was still writing and for the last 10 years, the answer has been ‘no’.  I talked to God asking Him again to order my steps as He always had before, and it lead me back to the same answer. So here I am now, in this moment, on the road to returning to my original goals.

Currently, I am completing classes and working part-time in the Cardiovascular unit to apply to a Physician Assistant program, #RoadtoPA (might I mention, classes have never kicked my ass like these are and I’m pretty damn smart) and working overtime to launch this, my love project: StinaDiorStyle where I play with integrating fashion trends with my personal style and exploring various topics by sharing my thoughts and experiences with the world.  For the first time in a very long time, I am happy.  I’m not chasing bags, I’m chasing my dreams.  It is my intention to do something I love, sharing my gifts with the world, empowering and encouraging others along the way, and giving God all the credit for making me the woman I am.  I hope you will follow me on this journey as I take this first step and see where it leads me…

XOXO,

StinaDior